Return

Picking up threads of the past is difficult; especially if it is a past which you once embraced. We deny ourselves their continuity of action because, predominantly, life happens to us. We get swept in the tides of living within certain conditions imposed by whatever little time we have. Often, too, we don't return to the past because of the bad memories they may entail. It's natural to replace elements dear to us long ago with newer versions of the same thing; or by something even better: a better workplace, better friends, better lovers. Yet, it seems that we always come back to various natures of the past; of childhood, of deeper recesses in memory, or perhaps to events that happened a week ago. These degrees of precedence, so to speak, define the way we live this very moment. That's why we feel the constant urge to return: to clearly see ourselves again from both sides of time.

I have not written entries in this journal for seven months. There's really no excuse for it, except that "life happened". There can be no concrete definition for such a phenomenon, really. Life, in a word, contains all forms of reactionary cause-and-effect relations that are a mixture of both inexplicability and control. How far do we have a true grasp over things that occur to us, or by us? A question seemingly for the birds, though for these past seven months not writing has built up a recession within me. All of us at some point have experienced countless forms of this sensation - you feel as if you've dried up like a spring in summer in respect of a particular thing you considered yourself to be quite good at. Did your "art" leave you? Did you forget because of whatever happened? In the meantime, you might have found other things you're good at. But what about that which has always been so close to your heart?

Returning to anything after a long time is nerve-taxing. As I write this, I still doubt the extent to which the fresh fecundity of words can travel in articulating my thoughts. But I trust the process. Every chain of work is long in itself, and its every step consumes with redoubled effect all our ardent efforts to its end. Returning to anything after a long time might cause results to appear after a period greater than usually expected. That's what is truly demotivating. I'm often told that faith and consistency alone are key to long-term success, and as refined as it might sound coming from people who are apparently driven in their struggles themselves, what we fail to consider are the drawbacks along the way to FULLY CONCEIVING such simple wisdom. Imperfect efforts are ALSO key to gaining long-term success, be it through trial-and-error. Sometimes, all we see is the light of excellence shining through the shadow of darkness that first and foremost caused the formation of excellence.

Why do we need to come back to certain aspects of the past? Typical explanations can be that the past has made us stronger in the present, or that it has taught us lessons through mistakes committed. Revisiting these ideas can be helpful. Talking about the past sometimes fills the gap we may feel in the present. And again taking up things which we used to love doing, only now with a more broadened and refreshed outlook - gained through the addition of experience - enriches the past by means of little, meaningful contributions in the present. With patience, we can resurrect the same momentum with which we fulfilled small passions. This process of rediscovery is infinitely better than living with its weighty regret. I, for one, shall keep on coming back. Coming back to new reinventions of self-growth.

I do acknowledge the exhaustion and dissatisfaction I have suffered over these past months in not doing what I'm best capable of. Even for yourself, everything that you may do on a daily basis might be going suitably well, yet the germ of dissent still lingers: you could be doing something better in this time. You could be concentrating on an entirely different sphere of endeavor than pursuing something for the sake of idle desire or procrastination. Of course, it's easier said than done. But what fully lies in the realm of possible human achievement is the determination of the process you choose to experience. Because everything is essentially a process working towards something true to itself.

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Welcome back to my blog! I'm bound for college next month, but now I will be updating more regularly now that the officialdom of school is out of the way. :D

It's great to see you again! Thank you for reading!