How Rejection Changed Me

Until a few years ago, I always was of the impression that self-improvement was a myth to perpetuate false ideals by common tactics such as "change your life in quick simple steps"; "have faith in yourself", or the like. Although adopting certain habits can indeed change your life in the long term, I've come to realize that the consciousness needed to practice those habits in the first place more importantly brings the beginning of change.

The cosmos of habit and behavior molds our bodies and minds to not attract everything that occurs in our lives: it's this precise selectiveness which people define to be 'opportunity'. Self-improvement (or a "glow-up", as I oblige myself to call it) is a myth only if we want to keep it that way: or to put it more concisely, the seemingly mythical paradigms of this concept remain artificial unless we take a few events in our lives as 'turning points' or 'the point of no return'. Because that's how we mostly end up defining life. It simplifies our understanding of being alive. And that constructs a structure which is constantly amorphous in nature, a structure of events and our responses to the same that we can harness claim over.

Like a gardener I have been attempting since the middle of last year to cultivate confidence in who I am. Getting fitter appeared to me as the solution to all my insecurities, but now that I have undergone the so-called "physical" transformation, I realized that I still was in want of the development of my mental spheres. I turned to James Allen's book As A Man Thinketh. I was particularly struck by a quotation the author referred to from the Bible: 'As a man thinketh, so is he.' This simple statement does not easily betray its profound wisdom upon one's first reading of it. I, for one, found it grossly underwhelming. But eight months later, I feel that some progress has been made in understanding and defending its true essence. Thoughts are all we possess. What you're reading in my blog right now is also merely an exchange of thought. Lives are built upon a core foundation of how we navigate our minds to perceive, to conceive, to be.

I was prone to thinking that things never go my way. I struggled with low self-esteem throughout school, and would even be uncouthly envious of my classmates who would excel in areas I could only dream of achieving. I had friends who were frequently shown interest in by boys our age. I wanted all of that - but I didn't know what to do about it. Losing weight seemed the quickest means of self-completion. So after four long months, at the cusp of commencing my new academic year in college, I presumed myself to have truly transformed. With the coaxing of my older cousins, I even worked up the confidence to express my feelings for another person. I imagined myself worthy of receiving acceptance, owing to an improvement in my overall appearance and condition. It's destabilizing for anyone to openly speak out regarding one's opinions on any subject, especially if it is as intimate a concern as romantic interest. I got rejected in January of this year.

I sent in a collection of short stories late last year to an online publisher in hopes of being featured in their monthly newsletter. Two months ago, an e-mail addressed to me from the company proclaimed in its heading: REJECTED. I applied myself to fresh opportunities at every turn, ardently chasing after the notion I apprised to be so dear to me: a desire to be acknowledged. It's a natural human sentiment. We all want to be seen. Yet, I didn't seem to be getting any worthwhile results in my pursuit of success. I doubted my own motives and the validity of my aims. I withdrew from active participation in work I found comforting. I believed myself to not be good enough for the boy I liked. I was convinced that I - as a person - always fell short of the standards and expectations I established for myself. I - as a person - was not the girl I assumed myself to have become.

One's wish for success in life is a continual work-in-progress. Standing as I am, two months after a string of rejections from every quarter, I have grown to understand that I had before been gazing upon myself as a fragment of unpolished glass. It was true. But what I didn't perceive then was that I had failed myself in not considering the entirety of the unpolished mirror-frame that contained my being. Rejection comes for a reason - albeit it sometimes is beyond our control. But, as far as I can control the consequences, I can change. I can slowly - with time and effort - work on myself to polish the whole mirror of my self. It's going to take a lifetime, perhaps: yet, as I gradually continue to engage myself in the cleansing process, I can feel the power of its effects upon me. Change is witnessed not all at once, but little by little.

I hope to be rejected more in the future. It's fun, honestly. As Lord Darlington says in Lady Windermere's Fan, life is too important a matter to be considered in all seriousness.

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If this entry interested you, then please do check out my other essays and articles. I hope you like them! And as always, thank you so much for reading and supporting my blog! It means more than the world to me.

With love, Aarshi